


The Poetry Story I Wrote

by fmlgabby



Category: Freeverse - Fandom, Poetry - Fandom, poems - Fandom
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 55
Words: 17,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25553479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fmlgabby/pseuds/fmlgabby
Summary: Hi, my name is Gabby. Welcome to my head, my world of words, my greatest work at times. I’ve been writing works like this for almost 4 years. I hope you enjoy it.--this book was originally on Wattpad before it had been a hassle to keep up with the constant errors and hazards it was portraying--DISCLAIMER~This story contains vulgar and rude language along with very sensitive topics such as suicide, intentions of self-harm, mental health degradation, and triggers into relapsing.The majority of the events that are written in this book have taken place in the past. Along with the story, it is very descriptive of the possibly gruesome scenes.©copyright 2020, All rights reserved to fmlgabbyproductions





	1. Chapter 1

“Waiting”

I’m waiting for the time to just pass me then let me go like you once did, I’m kind of glad you left but it still leaves a damn hole in my fucking heart that you still hold that you can break my heart and do whatever the fuck you want with it. But I’ve realized over this whole damn time, you were the monster inside of me that made this world crumble and fall out of my mind.

~j.g.s.g.

“Daddy”

So, where are you now? Leaving me behind not telling me a thing. It’s been 10 years since you were here. They said you always helped people, why couldn’t you help your fucking self. I mean like I’m stubborn as hell too, but what the fuck am I supposed to do? I’m a fatherless child, I have been and I’m fucking tired of it. Why did you not get better? where the fuck are you now? when I needed you the fucking most, don’t you see I’m fucking missing you. I’m sorry for my language but it’s in my blood sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it makes me fucking mad. But now I don’t get the same point in writing if you ain’t ever gonna pick up my damn book. How the fuck am I gonna find you are you in Atlanta with your mom and dad? or in Memphis trying to help your family get back up. Stop healing other people when you can’t heal yourself. Look, your daughter is writing for her life, trying to manage school and a fake ass relationship. Look at your son, so shy and fucking insecure about himself with only a mom to support. Look, I’ve hurt myself trying to fix myself and helping others trying to fill in a void that will never be filled. I guess I’m asking and ranting too much but it’s alright. I’m just trying to write till my void is filled with the love I will never get from you. I ain’t got no backbone, no self-confidence. I want you back. I wanna call you my dad again to make up the time. I want to make that void fade make me happy cause I’m a fucking mess right now I’ve always hated you but I miss you the most than ever I just need you back dad.

~j.g.s.g

12/31/17


	2. "Waiting"/"Daddy"

“Waiting”

I’m waiting for the time to just pass me then let me go like you once did, I’m kind of glad you left but it still leaves a damn hole in my fucking heart that you still hold that you can break my heart and do whatever the fuck you want with it. But I’ve realized over this whole damn time, you were the monster inside of me that made this world crumble and fall out of my mind.

~j.g.s.g.

“Daddy”

So, where are you now? Leaving me behind not telling me a thing. It’s been 10 years since you were here. They said you always helped people, why couldn’t you help your fucking self. I mean like I’m stubborn as hell too, but what the fuck am I supposed to do? I’m a fatherless child, I have been and I’m fucking tired of it. Why did you not get better? where the fuck are you now? when I needed you the fucking most, don’t you see I’m fucking missing you. I’m sorry for my language but it’s in my blood sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it makes me fucking mad. But now I don’t get the same point in writing if you ain’t ever gonna pick up my damn book. How the fuck am I gonna find you are you in Atlanta with your mom and dad? or in Memphis trying to help your family get back up. Stop healing other people when you can’t heal yourself. Look, your daughter is writing for her life, trying to manage school and a fake ass relationship. Look at your son, so shy and fucking insecure about himself with only a mom to support. Look, I’ve hurt myself trying to fix myself and helping others trying to fill in a void that will never be filled. I guess I’m asking and ranting too much but it’s alright. I’m just trying to write till my void is filled with the love I will never get from you. I ain’t got no backbone, no self-confidence. I want you back. I wanna call you my dad again to make up the time. I want to make that void fade make me happy cause I’m a fucking mess right now I’ve always hated you but I miss you the most than ever I just need you back dad.

~j.g.s.g

12/31/17


	3. "Hidden Little Hurt Girl"/"Let Me Know"

“Hidden Little Hurt Girl”

All the scars on my wrist won’t make up for this mistake, the dangers of this risk is something I will take.

These lines in my mind give me a god damn headache, the love I need to find always ends up fake.

No one trusts a girl with their love when she is mentally on a break, she doesn’t even need a shove to drown in a lake.

Even if she drowns she comes back to life to bring back the misery and pain, like why does this happen what is there to gain?

Do they want her to write a testament to her pain, well trust her life will never be too plain.

It’s just going to be full of writing things that people will never understand, just like they don’t understand the causes of the scars that run-up to her hand.

just like they don’t understand the reasons why she keeps her mouth shut, so please stop calling her a slut.

If you don’t know her, don’t judge her by anything, she’s tired of people calling her nothing.

she’s already 6-feet under the ground with no one around to save her, so please understand why something’s wrong with her behavior.

She can’t control her mind under pressure all the time, she’s getting left far behind.

Nothing’s in store for her future except pills, cigarettes, and a low lifeline, she’s lying so don’t l believe her when she says she’s fine.

She’s trying to let time take her away or is she here to stay, she doesn’t know but for now, she hasn’t been okay.

Does she know if she’s meant to stay?

~j.g.s.g, C

“Let Me Know”

Are you ok

Let me know

If you need me

Let me know

If not let the wind blow

I want to keep you happy

I want to make you smile

I want to make this time we have

Worthwhile

If you don’t need me

If you don’t want me

I really won’t care

I’ll still stay by you

Cause your the best

You know I need you

You know I want you

You know I can’t live without you

So just so you know

I

Love

You

~j

01/07/18


	4. "Wise Words", "I Get It", & "Drowning"

“Wise Words”

Sometimes words say too much and nothing means something and the truth is a silent cry for help.

~j.g.s.g

“I Get It”

I get it, I understand what’s wrong. I understand you can’t trust me with all that you want, but I don’t get why you don’t love me in return or make things better after they’ve gotten worse. You should know I’m sick of all of these lies burning with my life. I’m sick of my life and all my lies. I don’t understand why I can’t be true and I see the way she looks at you then looks at us, all close, in disgust. I just hate it, I can’t stand that she loves you and you pay her so much attention. But, I get it.

-j.g.s.g

“Drowning”

Drowning underwater or in my tears

Drowning in hate or in despair

Wondering how I can make it or if can have you ever again

Making me think more than I usually do

Making shit change up out of the fucking blue

But is it all for revenge of you not winning one time

That the fact is I won the one thing you lost all the time

I loved you more than I could ever love a person

And the sad thing is that I still fucking do.

~j.g.s.g

01/07/18


	5. "Fake Little Kids", "No Regrets", & "Bitch Lullaby"

“Fake Little Kids”

Eyes crossed out of every drawing I drew of anyone but never you. I burned every letter and every fucking trace of you like an old love story only me and you both knew. Now I’m a burden to everyone I come close to. Losing time on wasted words that don’t fucking matter anymore to anyone. Doesn’t matter If you’re sad or depressed anymore, cause most people won’t get it or fucking care. I might as well be happy as you’re losing your mind. I don’t want my old kiddy friends from early elementary cause they all fake, still running in their fucking fake ass fantasies.

~j.g.s.g

“No Regrets”

I still don’t regret anything I said or did. I will never take back what I meant, cause what I felt was true and you hurt me I’m waiting to hurt you back again too. So until then give me some reasons to die for, not ones to live for I’ve already lost so much I’d be glad if I could lose a lot more. Like I might just leave because everyone wants me to, it’s only easier to just let go and say good-bye to people who would want you dead in the end.

~j.g.s.g

“Bitch Lullaby” (sing it to the tune of “rain, rain, go away” then to “trick or treat”)

Bitch, Bitch, go away (rain, rain go away)

Don’t come back even when you want to stay (come again another day)

If you don’t I won’t care then you’ll fucking die in despair (if you don’t I won’t care I’ll pull down your underwear)

Just go away, say shit about me

Then you’ll die and I’ll let the ashes fly

So don’t fucking try to come back into my life you bitch

~j.g.s.g.

01/16/18


	6. "Influential"/"Fuck Everything"

“Influential”

I was under the influence, and image of a monster that never existed. One developed into a painful memory, a painful headache. One I cried every night about every night and I still do. The face of the monster fades from my memory as I grow older and live my life. No clue where he is but I’m guessing he would be proud but very disappointed. Cause I’m just like him, helping others instead of helping myself, surviving and going through life drug abuse, child neglect, depression, know it all, pain in the ass, anxiety, wishing for the best. This monster is my father.

~j.g.s.g

Fuck Everything

I wish my life would end right now. Let the pain be gone and fade away. So my broken heart can finally rest in pieces like shattered glass. Then maybe I can write in another light or smile more when I want to break down into pieces. But still when I feel like there’s something wrong my stomach still churns.

~ j.g.s.g

01/12/18


	7. "Why? Why? Why?", "Protection", & "A World Without You"

“Why? Why? Why?”

Why are you not telling me shit? Why are you not trusting me? Why do you want to keep things to yourself? Why are you turning me up then breaking me down with only one word? We only had a few minutes together, our last smile our last hug our last kiss, our last hope of leaving me, us, we. Our last hope of loving each other. We are drifting apart day by day. And I still thought you would come back, and surprise me making it a great day. It never happened though I wished. I tried, then I died on the inside, trying to love someone miles away.

~j.g.s.g

“Protection”

What is protection anyways, is it trusting someone with your life. If It is, its not a smart idea for people to do if we live and we die because of others. What if we never get to see the light of day at all. What if we rise and never fall? Where is our justice hidden behind bars of lost hope? Wishing things didn’t fall down into a slope. Some people are waiting for the rain to stop while others are waiting for another start.

~j.g.s.g

“A World Without You”

Sometimes I want to imagine a world without you. How my life won’t be so crazy and how I’ll never remember the love and pain I had for you. Things will not be the same and I’ll have a million more shots with different guys from those past lives other than staying with you. Oh, what memory of worthless timing. I wouldn’t have wasted my hard-earned time for you, can’t you see how happy I am? Yes, I’m fucking ungrateful for the life I now live because I wasted so much damn time on you. It would be wonderful in a world without you.

~j.g.s.g

01/21/18


	8. "Roses", "1:37 PM", & "Once Told"

“Roses”

Maybe I smell roses now because of you, and I get so fucking confused. I don’t know what to fucking do, my heart is fucking around while my head says to turn the fuck around and back the hell down. And sometimes the glass figures you used to own come crashing down on to you, and when you’re with another one you’ll give it up faster than the last. I lost a lot of people and one of them was you and now you’re trying to start back with me again. My head says fall in again, my heart is ripping at the seams revealing a heart full of roses then closing up to any other guy it tries again. And you never noticed why I kept backing out of things cause I didn’t wanna be hurt again. But now I see my heart of roses and your heart of gold and now I’m still smelling the roses every single day.

~j.g.s.g

“1:37 PM”

Sometimes I forget the past is the past and most of this shit doesn’t last. then again I look into your eyes and everything is fine and I realize you aren’t mine and I’m not yours. I still don’t sleep at night cause I get swarmed with butterflies, but then I cry and the butterflies die. My eyes burn, for I can’t cry out loud, my heartbreaking in pain. At times I look at you and want to love you again. At times I look at you I wonder what would our lives become if we were us again. I want happiness and love back again.

~j.g.s.g

“Once Told”

I was once told as a child that wonders were made out of hard work and love put into them. Once told that I am a survivor and a warrior for facing thousands of battles. Once told my life was the foundation of my family. Once told things will get better. They were lies. I was never independent not once, I loved to hard then let go without control. I lost my own foundation to my life by being home to another and letting them wreck me and tear me down. Letting the winds come crashing down on my life at this time. I was told I am strong and confident, they were so wrong. I was what people depended on but I couldn’t depend on myself. I wanted protection and I found it well but it left me under a broken board in a broken town in a broken mind. I was alone, no one was there, I found a will that I will carry on, and I know a guy who stands strong but you don’t know him as a real human does. I was once told I was loved, but that was so wrong.

~j.g.s.g

01/28/18


	9. "Her Words", "Second Chances", & "Abyss of Emptiness"

“Her Words”

Waiting for time to pass by, letting your heart beat faster than mine. Letting my heart slow down second by second. Hearing her say those three words to make me feel worse. It hurts and it hits too fucking close to home, so much that I stop breathing. You knock the air out of my lungs, but I love it. You know you downgraded but you didn’t give a fuck then you realized you made a mistake but you still refuse to change. I don’t understand why you say you love me but never even show it and it doesn’t make any fucking sense. So, do you actually fucking love me?

~j.g.s.g.

“Second Chances”

You say second chances. I thought I was the first, but I guess I was the last and the backup plan. To me, my heart can’t even choose left from right so what and where the fuck is my mind? I haven’t gotten that spark since I last wrote about the roses and a heart of gold. Blasting my ears out with music. Now I’m becoming more used to you and sort of taking your habits. I think we switched hearts that last time you know. I started smiling out of the blue because of you, remember when we always ask “What? Hmm?” with a smile on our faces. On the phone or in-person to hear whatever the sweet or stupid shit we’ve said. I replay conversations we had over and over in my head on repeat non-stop just to hear your sweet smooth monotone voice. The hesitation in your words making me smile and forget the rest of the world. But then I remember your not mine and I sigh and let go again. Sinking back down into my abyss of emptiness.

~j.g.s.g.

“Abyss of Emptiness”

The past is the past and shit doesn’t last so we have to put on a fake little mask to hide our true self. We let go, hang over the side of the road letting our ears drown out with the sound of music. To make things worse we laugh about it. Life is a game and I’ve played enough now it’s my turn to power down and let go and be happy for once, without the world, and people. And don’t blame me for my sins, I blame you for making me a sinner.

~j.g.s.g

02/16/18


	10. "Time"/"Ever will"

“Time”

One more time to make the pain go away just for one day. It’s not good for us to miss just because someone’s life was dismissed. Some people want to die and others will die for their friend, and you know people aren’t smart to kill themselves just from hatred of them. It makes no sense everyone is second and no one is first in life even if you were the firstborn. No one is first we all are seconds, so be fucking proud of it. Why does everything have to die what hurts us seconds the most is losing someone mentally and physically. It makes no sense. Nothing is worth the time to wait. Nothing has time, no one wants a limited amount of time. We let go to gain something that will change our lives but it takes time and pain takes away most of our life if we waste it on things you will barely remember.

~j.g.s.g

“Ever Will”

Suicide is all in my head in my blood in my memories of my past life. Most people like judging me for who I am that’s why I’m always lying to myself. Never really showing my true self, never really trusting myself, never really realizing I loved myself and that I was loved by some. Not realizing I was meant to live. But now I’m gone the pain lives on I will never leave you. Nothing will. No one ever will.

~j.g.s.g

02/20/18


	11. "Protect You"/"Said Nothing"

“Protect You”

I only kept things from you to save your sanity. But sadly you didn’t want me to not drop things onto you because it would stress you more than it already did. I didn’t want that, I was in my own world listening and remembering what my therapist said. You blowing more smoke and letting go but I’m okay but I’m actually going on but I still love you. It’s okay, my words made from memories and thoughts in my head things that don’t need to love or last or lose...

{tbc}

~j.g.s.g

“Said Nothing”

I won’t go far and I’m okay with that because my head still throbs and my heart still only beats for you. Honestly, it’s mostly too much Hennessey to make my lungs compress closer to my chest, still waiting for that phone call. Waiting for your name to show up on my phone and make me smile. So what I’m close friends with my ex he is fucking amazing? So sad that people think it’s bad and it’s torture? It was, but he apologized, a real apology my friends could never fucking give me. The thing is you never had the audacity to say anything and of course you give me the same damn headache. These are my monsters telling me the wrong from the right. I can’t sleep at night because the voices keep getting to me. Medicine won’t help any fucking more. So what the fuck am I supposed to do monsters running me at any given time? It’s too late I already hear the bottle breaking, the bottle is my hollowed rose heart only to really bloom when you’re around to fix me.

~j.g.s.g

02/20/18


	12. "Chainsaw"/"With You"

“Chainsaw”

Hey, it been so long and I can’t contain myself and it’s absolutely amazing. I was led to be the best of all and nothing less. A family of perfection rotten minds and nothing but women rulers making choices that change everyone’s fate. Not following public rules falling into love easily being a badass after recovering a heartbreak. But once finding the one that wound will never ever heal but, did they give up no so why should I?

~j.g.s.g

“With You”

You know I’ve been studying you and your actions at the wrong moments and I just fell into a game and now I play it with you and have to let shit go but you hit too fucking low. I write down whatever I think but sadly I won’t ever write this down. Just wait on what I say in person cause it’ll mean more shit than my writing could ever express if only you could understand and see that.

~j.g.s.g

02/24/18


	13. "Continuation" "Note to Self" "To Someone" "Hell Fool" "Villain" & "Desire"

(the previous poem was “protect you” for this continuation of the poem)

“Continuation”

I honestly don’t want to lose this fight but then again I’ve won so much so why shouldn’t I just accept this one defeat. It’ll give me more of a backbone and not a low alter ego to represent me. I would just be shit if I were to get that win. I could be a greedy whore at times but I’m alright with that cause I know my flaws and I accept them and I live on. Then other times you make me hold on to my dumb choices to haunt me like a nightmare trying to kill another person that did nothing to me. I am temperamental and so are you so why do we hold back for each other it makes no sense. But in the end, I still have the texts and quotes I could never put into writing, maybe I can now but till this point, I don’t think when I write and I might sound super fucking stupid but we made each other more of a monster than we already were. we are messes now fucked in the head crazy out of our minds growing up to live to die.

~j.g.s.g

“Note to Self”

Hey! remember me? it’s your younger self the one who had short hair and told the truth and LOVED pink!.... remember?

oh yeah hey! it’s good to see you! I’ve changed so much I remember it all too well and some things...I want to forget...but tonight.... oh tonight it was....amazing.....

really! that’s great! I guess we’ve been through our fair shares of problems and stuff like that. but tell me more about tonight, if my young ears and eyes can handle it.

it was around 5:50 or maybe 6:00 I don’t know... but it was the best...

oh, what beauty...

I know...

~j.g.s.g

“To Someone”

Grow up well, be free, be yourself. I am your guardian angel on your shoulder. But you just have to wait and take a break and getaway. stay alive, stay calm, stay yourself, cause if your not yourself things will never be the same and you won’t be true to yourself or anyone. Just remember you are you so don’t try to impress someone with who you aren’t. cause that just makes you fucking stupid and never true, be you, only you no one can stop you except yourself. Stupidity runs in the heart before it could ever hit the mind.

~j.g.s.g

“Hell Fool”

Kill me, drop dead, I feel like a killjoy. Hell fool, I feel like a dead bitch. Burning my eyes out letting the demons cry out to my soul that I’m so fucking stupid thinking you could fucking do this to me. hell, fool listen up hell fool cry out my name let your demons take over all of your fucking minds before you could ever try to fucking die, lost it in your mind right, lost in your fucking mind letting things sink in getting shit stirred up to vanquish the lies in your mouth for once why don’t you fucking let it out.

~j.g.s.g

“Villain”

Now I’m the villain in your life and it makes me too young and blind to see the world was wide enough for the both of us together. Don’t you see your heart knows who you want but your head just doesn’t want your heart’s advice, but your heart is right?

~j.g.s.g

“Desire”

She had a desire to love him for his personality but sadly she only desired his love and looks but before this, she was saying he wasn’t even her type or cute and she would never love him. but it was all a lie and the sad thing was that he believed her. Luckily he won’t be hurt only she will once eh chooses his final girl. Cause sometimes people are born without hearts like me but then learn how to regain them from broken souls.

~j.g.s.g

03/03/18


	14. "Liars"/"Shells"

“Liars”

Sometimes liars fix mistakes through lies. but things might change but liars have reasons to lie. Some were to taught to do, some were born that way. Some need to, others have to when they’ve been through a ton of pain and loss. Pain caused by friends, family, relationships, themselves, etc. People you love to fade and tear the lovers apart and in the end, you feel empty. Emptiness feels wonderful it is a way to the person’s soul you won’t have to worry if you’re empty. People can talk all they want but they can’t tell the truth about themselves without including other people’s flaws. How you act doesn’t need to represent you. Sometimes people betray you for the worst but what they want can change your life for good.

~j.g.s.g

“Shells”

A shell concealed in a bubble, the bubble pops every time my heart aches or breaks when you do something stupid. If you’re hurt tell me, I’ll try to make it better. If you would let me in, I’ll let you in my life. Today I saw things that got me depressed and a little annoyed but I’m okay no need to worry I’m not heartbroken I’m just a little jealous and hurt but I’ll keep smiling. I’ll be happy even if it’s fake. I will do it only for you and forget the world let it turn to be free and go, nothing will change I promise but you will never see this cause I will burn this letter as I have before but to my skin.

~j.g.s.g

03/04/18


	15. "Cameras"

“Cameras”

I want to live I want to learn I want to love but I can’t when I’m only stuck on one I can’t even get. I wonder why that is maybe cause I can never let go of love that I had sometimes I just need but it so funny I got all these admirers but my hearts still broke and only wants this one, sometimes I don’t even want to trust people anymore cause I’ve been fucked with enough this year and my get away is to fucking die but I don’t want to by I feel like I need to, cause there’s nothing to do no point no grace no love more pain more burdens to add on to the shit I want and I’m always scared to talk to him cause I don’t want an argument to break out cause I know ill just end up in a dark mind in a dark room crying my eyes out I wonder why I cant get my mind off of you like is there nothing else to do than think about you a triangle turning into a square then 2 letting go before they could do anything to save their sanity but they are insane and don’t know how to play these fucking games anymore now they only know how to play with hearts trying to find one that’s worth while procrastinating with their life and losing more in life night by night and we wonder why the love cant find us and hit us like it did when you gave us love my heart pealed and pleading for you. the stars the moon and the sky taking your time is writing your life pouring your heart out for only one time letting the cameras flash into the sky one last breath to notice this is our life and this is your time and this life is ours that we are trying to survive a sad life we need.

~j.g.s.g

03/11/18


	16. "Birthday"

“Birthday”  
Happy belated birthday Steven, you’ve had one of the hardest lives I know, trust me I know. People still put you through hell and you understand that you can’t control that and you understand that changing yourself makes you just downright boring and lame. I told you to not put thought into your writing but do it only once like right now I’m doing it 'cause I want it to make an impact. You’ve been through a continuous loop of hell by other people and sometimes even me, letting go has never been your thing but pulling people in have always been apart of you. I thank you for saving my ass so many times and proving yourself that you can be trusted and to help and do whatever the fuck you can to help your friends and family. You have a heart of gold and it’s only growing bigger every year as you get older on March 10th. March 10th is your day and you should enjoy it instead of despising it if no one cares but you make the most of it, I say this with genuine love:  
You fucking idiot, get your ass up and be happy and leave the past. And stop getting taller than me you dick.  
Please have a good ass life ya hear me, I’ll miss you so fucking much next year I’ll try to visit. Live for me and live strong even if you don’t feel strong at all.   
~Gabby, j.g.s.g or kitty♡


	17. " "

" ”  
I’m saying this to just get it out of me,  
I am your J.D. in this lifetime, though I’m not a guy I’m more relatable to him. hell obsessed, lunatic lost mind fanatic drove past the point of no return any more. Loves only one and will do anything to get them to ourselves... he and I are the same, I will either live my life or die to fucking suicide. But I’m weak and I don’t wanna die no matter how hard I fucking try, it’s scary I don’t want to leave I don’t want to let go I don’t want to...I can’t.  
What  
Is  
A  
Good   
Reason  
To

Even  
Fucking   
Try  
To  
End   
Your   
Life   
For   
A   
Temporary   
Fucking   
Problem?  
Your lips against hers, but you laid them on mine first, you always have and did, you said you wouldn’t love her because she was your brothers but he left her to hate love, she hates love and will not take part in a relationship, don’t you understand? I say my truths and what she said, she’s not a hoe you can just play. Take it or leave it that’s all I gotta say it’s your decision to what you make, higher your terms and build barriers around your heart again, let the girl gain from what you keep destroying. Let your heart despise girls again like you did when I was dumb and let go, let them know your not who you are anymore. You should know that too, you’ve fucked up so much, so now what are you gonna do?  
~j.g.s.g

(Hi, gabby here, if you get the first part of this piece we’d be good as friends and I didn’t name this one because it didn’t feel necessary. And suicide has been a big thing throughout this gap and if you have thoughts of suicide talk to someone even if you think no one cares are understands, you can talk to me trust me I’ve seen it all and I’m willing to help because I understand, I too sometimes have thoughts of suicide and very bad depression. But you’re not alone in this lifetime, talk to someone before you take your life for pain that’s only temporary. “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” No one is ever alone, love you all even if I don’t know you, I’ll care I mean it. Bye guys♡)


	18. "Lives"/"Understanding"

“Lives”  
Well, sometimes I need to be alone and sometimes I need to have a home-loving myself stuck in a lie and who knows I might not live to see the light if we’re all born to live and die. Who knows why why why; that’s the question of the century of the world and the universe. I just don’t know cause sometimes it’s better to live than die, we all have stories to tell and end the end we still try to tell every single detail unless it hurts then we think then we live then we try and try till we say our last words breathe our last breath and know our last thought an idea that will never have a chance, not have one chance and it’s sad it hurts the moment of realization you will never get again because your a dead person now nothing to gain and nothing to lose in the end and nothing to know cause you have gone like a gust of wind no one remembers sadly nothing happens nothing at all.  
~j.g.s.g

“Understanding”  
Not understanding love cause it’s mainly a desire that leaves a few scars or a shit ton of broken shards. Left around waiting to be fixed unless fixing themselves, and he doesn’t I want us to heal each other. I don’t want to let a void stay growing and gone, but I’ll be patient and wait for writing words day by day.

~j.g.s.g

03/16/18


	19. "Sanity"/"True Love Conference"

“Sanity”

I am a lunatic in a little girl’s body, and I fell.

I fell, and I fell again.

Nothing helped, stopped, or saved me.

I forgot how to love, it’s like a void you’ll get sick of.

Sadly, now only one thing can calm me down

One person to keep me sane.

Then we all fuck up all over again

The voices come back one after the other

Nothing’s there anymore

Nothing lasts anymore

No one knows anymore

Mentally losing our sanity

Sinking more into the abyss

Dumb lies, then the truth hits

One after another,

Pills popped into your mouth like this shit won’t be discovered.

Who knows who will be your savior?

~j.g.s.g

“True Love Conference”

Your scent, your touch, your voice, your smile. They bring chills up and down my spine as I stay up all night debating if my love was real or was it just the fucking acrimony left in me. Contemplating if I can love again, hoping there’s no better, wishing for my dreams to come true, but will they? ‘Is there better right now,’ hell no. ‘Will there be,’ yes but not for me. ‘Do you know what your true love means to you,’ yes, without a doubt, I know what my true love is.

TBC...

~j.g.s.g

The author here I forgot I had this prepped for later in the story but I’ll use it now I guess and I’ve gotten over my writer’s block, so new writings will be posted once I’m done revising them and a surprise!

(2020)Why did I lie like that though...

04/02/2018


	20. "Liars"/"Questions"

“Liars”

Sometimes liars fix mistakes through lies, but things might change. But, liars have reasons to lie some were taught to, some were born that way. Some, just for the fun of it some need to others have to when they have been through a ton of pain and loss. Pain is caused by friends, family, relationships, themselves, etc. People you love to fade and tear apart and, in the end, you feel empty. Emptiness feels wonderful in its own way to the person you won’t have to worry about anything people can talk all they need to but they can’t help the truth about themselves without including other people’s flaws. how you act doesn’t represent you sometimes people betray you for the worst. But, what they want can change your life for good.

~j.g.s.g

“Questions”

Did I let it all out that night? Was it all worth the tears? Was the pain getting me? Was I going mad or losing my head? What about the pain? Am I losing my god damn name? Who are the people who love me? Who are the people I should be trusting? Who are the ones I should love? Who are the ones I could throw in the dump? Throw away my memories liquor to wash away the pain. A blunt to smoke away from the memories. How can we live where we can die? All the words swarming in my head living just to die dying just to live, that’s all that’s in my head. Changing my life only for people I don’t trust crying and slowly dying inside. Committing a crime just to slow downtime.  
~j.g.s.g

04/02/18


	21. "Facts", "Fairy Tale", "Lost", "Who Knows", & "Wishing"

“Facts”

The fact is that you know you love them but you’re restricted from having them and haven’t you noticed that every time I’m heartbroken I get sick then lose my mind, have a breakdown, can’t make it till the damage is done and, in the end, nothing matters, sad isn’t it?

~j.g.s.g

“Fairy Tale”

We thought it would be happy ever after but then you lied and said the end more than one time, creating monsters out of girls from fairy tales you created memories upon memories, you touched and you saw and you played pity games. Games you never needed to play you could have worked things out, you could have spoken up and one could have really understood and listened, I told you to stop playing around and you refused to. You turned girls into villains especially me.

~j.g.s.g

“Lost”

Lost, where is lost? What is lost how can you compare lost to being found? Doesn’t something lost find another thing lost then you’re found? But who really knows we are just people running around in death filled lost world the lost minds and faces who really knows what is lost and what is found.

~j.g.s.g

“Who Knows”

Sadness, hate, love, no shit matters anymore.

Who knows

Who knows

Showing off

Acting out

Changing yourself

Never going back again

Not moving on

Who knows

Who knows

Who knows...

~j.g.s.g

“Wishing”

What is the point in wishing for a wish that won’t come true? We don’t know, no one knows unless you go back to yesterday, then things will never change. We don’t know, we don’t know, we never know, no we never know. Always remember that somethings may be worth forgetting we never know, we never know. Things change and people love and lose, but who knows about the things we need to learn. Letting my hand flow without a trace of sadness or mockery we will never know, we will never know. We don’t want to know, we won’t know, and who cares so we wait because we won’t know.

~j.g.s.g

04/02/18


	22. "Understanding Relief"/"My Suicide"

“Understanding Relief”

People don’t understand that when they say something It hurts. You get depressed because of them. You try to keep It In and not tell anyone. All this negative energy builds up inside you and you don’t know what to do with It so you choose to cut. Cutting doesn’t do anything. It doesn’t help you or courage you. It makes things worse. You become so broken you feel like you’re nothing. Like you have nothing to live for like you’re dying. So, you think that If you do die nobody would care. But that’s not true. You dying would be like your friends and family getting shattered into pieces. You mean so much to people and you dying would be the thing that breaks them. Be who you are not the person people want you to be. You might be different but different Is better than normal. You’re unique. If somebody ever says anything just Ignore them. What they think of you doesn’t matter. What you think of yourself matters. Don’t listen. Don’t believe what they say because you are beautiful just the way you are. Plus, think about all the people who have committed suicide because of someone.

~j.g.s.g

“My Suicide” (This is from the past I only have very few thoughts of suicide now, I’m safe)

I know this will happen

My whole life I cut because I want to go to heaven I’m done with this life I’m done with the world I want to be dead so then the people who hurt me will be hurting when I’m gone because they caused this

I have the worst hell ever they say I can’t go to hell

but hell, It’s a home for suicide

the only reason they say that Is because they’re stupid and don’t understand the way of hell in life

I’m living in hell and hoping to die to get out to release my soul into a better place

to be safe and not be hurting and aching anymore

I’d rather die than live a shitty life on this world

I’m done I don’t care anymore

I’m done and devastated.

I want to be noticed for once just once and not peered down on by our fucking hatters, bitches, ex’s, and bullies

I want to be in a better place than in this stupid dumb old terrible place

Instead, I’d rather be alone in peace not to be bothered in my sleep.

~2015-j.g.s.g


	23. "Powerful", "Pt.7.5", & "Rant idk.."

“Powerful”  
I was told I was a mess. I was told I was strong. I was told I had the power. I was told I was beautiful. I just told I was loved. I was told someone would be the right one. I was told I wasn’t alone. I was told I was happy. I was told I was powerful, but I wasn’t strong I wasn’t. I wasn't powerful. I wasn’t beautiful. I wasn’t loved. I never had the right one. I wasn’t happy, but something was right and I was a mess. I was alone I still am the one with there. Nobody is there. Who knows what is powerful when there is no power left?  
~j.g.s.g

“Pt. 7.5”  
You used to be my everything but now I can’t make up my mind whether I want you or not. I go back and forth trying to see the light in your eyes your name is now the moon cause I love space and its beautiful like you. Can’t you see I want to love and cherish you? You won’t understand, you never understand. Sadly, that’s the reality of being a person not understand what is obvious to the eye.  
~j.g.s.g

"Rant Idk...”  
First off you took a stand and got shit all stirred up because he pulled shit on you and here but now your fucking falling for it again letting him fucking win. I thought you were better than this but now you just look like a fucking slut in his white girl trap that he is messing with now, it looks really bad on your rep honey. And I’m the only one to say it cause you’re about to get fucked with again cause you fell into the trap and you need to fall right out of it before a mess happens again cause I’m getting fucking sick of seeing you and him when he doesn’t even go to you for shit. Sweety you're looking really fucking stupid doing what you're doing and that’s the damn truth.   
~j.g.s.g

04/24/18


	24. "Moon", "Stars", "Nova", & "Interstellar"

“Moon”

The moon is a fascinating thing we see almost every night in the sky, drifting off into many different forms astonishing us in many different thousand ways, I’ve named a manned moon because he is just astonishing in every way and I can’t place him in any other way when I think of him, just saying his nickname he doesn’t know about fills me with joy wondering why my heart is so euphoric when it comes to astronomy is maybe because a wandering dream is finally being found again by people under the different codes of my universe, the solar system I create.

~j.g.s.g

“Stars”

Items I used to admire every night as a child, things I used to know all about, the stars have fascinated me my whole life as they still do as my planet rotates the patterns change as the constellations of my heart stay the same for I feel I am the center in which they rotate around my life-changing me into someone better to come. I feel the stars comfort me as I cry as they shine in my dark eyes. I wished upon every star I could see wondering what was to become of me now I get to see what’s really happening as they watch over and take care of me dreaming of something I wish to be as they soar above me losing heartache wishing for more than a dream.

~j.g.s.g

“Nova”

The star I grew up admiring a star I want to name my child after the star I made my first wish on the star I can go back to and understand what it is better than anyone I know understanding the background to why I’ve chosen this name to stick with a human forever till one has asked why that star shines so bright, brighter than anyone’s eyes for that star is the brightest in the darkest of eyes with dark roads and stories that are untold.

~j.g.s.g

“Interstellar”

The outermost of our universe something that is proclaimed to be the way out of our world and universe that will decide when to let us go protecting us from dangers we could never know but somehow figure out when time bends once it decides to, lets us be free and leave through that open door waiting to move as we are removed from existence staying in its place not moving to wait in a room of silence a one watches from a window wishing to happily escape and be with the stellar room for an eternity while recreating her universe to fix what she had given to the world to unfold.

~j.g.s.g

To Be Continued...

05/01/18


	25. "1:23:45", "Assumptions", & "Darkness"

“1:23:45”

Who knows? There is no daylight for a city that is full of night. But it was all a lie, a movie playing in some one’s mind. Blind to the naked eye, a universe letting go of what was right. A heart of gold in a dark world that perishes away. Shining through nothing, finding nothing but rotten judgment and dead hearts looking for shelter. But nothing, nothing left, or so they thought. Tell a story with words letting passion show. A heart of roses that wilts then grows. Who knows, who knows, what will die, and what will grow? What would you do if you weren’t the one they choose? Would your rose never grow, or would it find another way to get what was gold? was it terrifying to let go? Or is it worse to hold them close?

~j.g.s.g

“Assumptions”

Roses lead to love, something about roses in your life is pushing for love of good-bye kiss, to get rid of love, to get rid of life. You love someone who doesn’t love you back, you don’t die you just live in pain and agony if you don’t let your heart go and have your head make the choices. Heartache only lasts for a little while, not for an eternity. We assume what people do, to think of us, we assume everything we do when it comes to life we assume in writing or so I presume as my life assumes while my blood-shot eyes cry late at night when I don’t feel alive.

~j.g.s.g

“Darkness”

When darkness overlies to the light to rely on something that is non-existent. Crying about nothing, being hollow inside putting on fake shows for the people who love you the most, though you don’t care, could barely give a fuck to what it comes to when you don’t care if your life’s on the line. When darkness rules your life. What may be your life?

~j.g.s.g

05/12/20


	26. "Love" & "Legacy"

“Love”

What is love exactly? Is it a feeling, is it a spark you feel inside your heart, is it a feeling you can get sick of? Or is it just your actual soul hitting you so hard when you feel dead inside. Filling you with butterflies even though you're highly comfortable around them. Hearing their name come out of someone’s mouth gives you an amazing chill down your spine making you smile non-stop. When their hugs mean more and more each time you get one soothing you. Feeling their heartbeat getting fast as you hug and talk making you laugh because yours is doing the same. When you realize they’ve found out what love was with you and you finally understand love. When you understand love is something of your creation and of your own makings to how you achieved love. I know what love is and it's very powerful when you’re loved back by someone who knows their love.

~j.g.s.g

“Legacy”

leaving something that saved your life isn’t easy if it might be destroyed in a matter of time, it breaks my heart that I’m leaving behind a legacy that won't be known once I graduate, I want to understand the purpose of leaving when someone might not even remember your name when you’re long past gone. What is left when nothing is left when everything might go wrong, when is it my turn to have a legacy.

~j.g.s.g

TO BE CONTINUED...

05/14/20


	27. "Moon" "Stars" "Nova" & "Interstellar" Pt.2

“Moon pt.2”

A figment of my memory something only my eyes could see. I could see the shadows and the light. I could see the light in your eyes as you saw the shadows that always overcast you. the others detest you and degrade you behind your back but you don’t mind since you know yourself better than they do. while you shine so bright in the night sky showing off in the night.

TBC

~j.g.s.g

“Stars pt.2”

The one thing that made her feel good about herself were the stars that taught her ways to want to be perfect in every way she could imagine. then once she turned 5 she was cut off from her beloved stars and forced to be the perfect image she was taught to be. the stars used to shine in her eyes letting her escape from reality to be true, free.

TBC

~j.g.s.g

“Nova pt.2”

A heart that breaks is a scar left to be in the shape of something in your dreams the scar becomes your spark you develop within you to create you and make something you wish to be. A dream you want to see your eyes so the thing that you wish to find in a snap of a finger. The peace you find in yourself shining bright like the one nova star you can seek to find in your mind.

TBC

~j.g.s.g

“Interstellar pt.2”

They despise you till it you plot your demise when you are obliged you’re out of this world and only a theory that you can change. Your fate is decided by the risks you take. You’re not a ghost to your own problems you create you’ll understand what you break so you have to fix it and recreate something you were born to make in the universe that’ll change and make an update to your life while you rely on yourself then you can’t trust anyone else you don’t need fate to make up for your mistakes after all your stellar mind can cause fatal wounds in you because you always choose what you do before you even make your move.

TBC

~j.g.s.g

06/22/18


	28. "Boxed-Up Memories", "Terrified", & "Murderer"

“Boxed-Up Memories"

I have this heavy feeling on my chest I can’t get away your like a burden that never wants to fade away as you press harder then I’m barely able to breathe in your grasp you took me away now I don’t feel the pain that I need. I want to remember the past of our boxed-up memories I kept hidden away for my sanity when I was slipping into nothingness but pain suffocating on the air we all breathe in the world we call our home the place we were meant to be but it hurts and doesn’t matter in the end cause we all live to die and die to live.

~j.g.s.g

“Terrified”

I’m scared of this world we live in only fascinated with tragic casualties. Forbidden memories that subside in my mind at night that I can’t control anymore and I’m scared of what I might become with no honest love in my heart. What can you control in the world whenever a single person and soul in existence is terrified?

~j.g.s.g

“Murderer”

I said what I meant and I meant what I said no fears hidden behind my words as I stare at the mirror watching myself develop into the person I don’t need to be but I can’t stop growing into my destiny. I love hiding behind the words in my head feeling I’d be better off dead but I see other be killed every day behind the bloody hands I see a trigger in my mind putting an end to my enemies in my dream waking up mortified of who I tell myself to be I don’t want to see how my insanity consumes me while I take pills that only numb me from doing my deeds that calm me as a maniac in a young girls body.

~j.g.s.g

07.12.18


	29. "Fake Tears", "Cries of Midnight", & "Sadness in a Wonderland"

“Fake Tears”

I haven’t cried since my last episode, nothing really affects me any more. I am numb to most people’s existence, but I know what they feel and I help but no one helps me and I’m perfectly fine but I won’t help myself. I’ll be okay I’m numb to what I am and I don’t mind it’s fine because I have fake tears left to cry for you.

~j.g.s.g

“Cries of Midnight”

I wake up in the middle of the night hearing wailing and cries from new and old people that have died. I shut my eyes and hope my own pain subsides. When I hear them they are terrifying shadows on the wall that move in odd ways wounds that were left still haunting them saying that the pain will go away and they will finally be okay but they won’t a wound lasts forever if you’re not here in the world ready to stay. The cries of the midnight keep me up and awake.

~j.g.s.g

“Sadness in a Wonderland”

Numbed by the drugs you’re on, mad in your head wondering how things will ever be okay but you don’t know your sadness consumes you which you try to make your own utopia to fight away the pain but it’s not a utopia you create it’s a sad wonderland numbed to your desires you want and take. You understand what this place can make of you and break inside of your numbed down brain of your own unhappiness.

~j.g.s.g

07/12/18


	30. "fragments"/"6-word stories"

“Fragments”

Tomorrow is another day that I want to sleep away breaking bonds and promises and risks I won’t ever want to take but I do and that’s the sad thing I’m a maniac at night a wise girl in the day hiding my flaws every minute that I have to stay sane. I’m a beautiful mess that doesn’t need to be claimed I’m freezing in pain and I don’t see the same things anymore. I’ve changed for the best and changed for the worse I’m tired of hiding who I am in the dirt. I’m a pain. I live as a sinner and a saint. I think I’m going insane losing my mind thinking I can’t be replaced and I think.

~j.g.s,g

“6-word stories”

You saw I left we broke

I cried the voices took over

You lied we tied she died

You spoke you loved you needed

You spoke she kissed we ended

You cheated you loved you fell

Your power my demise screwed us

A mistake, catch a break, leave.

~j.g.s.g

08/18/18


	31. "Grey Eyes"

“Grey Eyes”  
Sometimes I don’t understand what goes through your mind then I try to look into your eyes and I see nothing bloom no spark just a dull light and I don’t understand I normally read people like they are glass but you’ve gotten your barrier up, have you been hurt like I have do you hide your pain as I do. Do you understand how it feels to be outcasted and placed in a name you aren’t? Do you smoke to let things go do you drink away the pain with bottles of champaign and liquor. Do you want to be left by others is that your happiness do you say hi but want to say goodbye for the final time wanna let go for once be free and not suffer what you suffer anymore break your barrier or can you not break it because it will break your heart and break you down again am I right is it the pain you hate or love is it intense that you won’t let anyone in on it is that why your eyes are so dull and unreadable but you aren’t grey you are beautiful and your eyes are a deep chocolate brown similar to mine but you hide under a façade and fake smiles that don’t play off well in your part and it’s sad I want you to be happy let go of the wall and don’t tire yourself out because it hurts more when I can’t see the you in your eyes it hurts more than you can ever imagine I hate that part of you your eyes rip apart and burn and break and let me watch while you smile and say nothing frozen in your head something you appear to be and you stick with it not letting it go and breaking our into you breakdown hell town you call your mind.   
~j.g.s.g

08/20/18


	32. "Taking Me"/"Simple Smiles"

“taking me”

I. Fucking. Remember. It. Like. It. Was. Yesterday. You ruined me with your small talk and your gentle touches to swoon me over in every way possible you always got away whenever you broke someone you didn’t care because you cheated on the next one with the broken heart because they were head over heels while you were schizophrenic and dropped one after the other like there was a disease in them. They dropped dead for you. I know your games and they know them too but they will still fail for you. It was stupid to think you wanted a friend cause in the end the girl was hurt again but you stuck with me through hell and back I warned the other girls to watch but do they listen to hell no. They fall and they break and I watch it all I smile through all of their pain and say I told you it’s what you get for not listening to me. But then this happened you used me and at least 8 other girls I was fine because I knew I didn’t give a fuck I still stayed defending you on all terms. I was kind and I waited and I was fine I still am we hug and nothing bad comes to us you fuck her him sometimes everyone but it doesn’t really matter they all get hurt in the end but you don’t hurt me as you used to and we’re fine with that we don’t need fake lies to cover what we had we both cheated we both lied we both lost what was yours and what was mine we were fine the depressed died well for me. You hid the lies that fled your mouth I saw straight through them but I lied and smiled like nothing was wrong they weren’t white lies they were dark to the point anyone believed what you were spewing out it was funny to watch all the girls fall for you then end up hurt but in the end, it didn’t give a fuck because they weren’t the ones that they said to be worth.

~j.g.s.g

“simple smiles”

Teeth barely slowing eyes all crescent moons deep dimples that are beyond compare to any others crystal ice blue eyes honey mixed with milk skin freckles that cascade over your nose and turns a light hue of pink whenever you come near me soft gentle eyes that turn ice-cold whenever someone harms me. A pouty face that naturally pouts in the softest way. But that smile a small but beautiful and bright smile I can never get over. Something I fantasize about every time I see it. But then after you go back to the frown you once wore when you were hurt. Something that hurts me in return when your soft bangs fall in your eyes when you laugh and can’t see. Beauty and pure bliss go through me whenever I see it. Your subtle voice that can put me to sleep whenever you sing a soft song that calms me into my euphoria. You are my serendipity, not my singularity. You are epiphany in its physical appearance. Blissful and unexpected. Your simple smiles bring me life.

~j.g.s.g

08/24/18


	33. "Leave for I am Hurt"

“Leave for I am Hurt”

what happened to the old us where we were happy what the hell do we do in this word what do we need whenever we aren’t happy what is happiness in the light of the limelight. whatever happened to trust the one you loved whatever happened to the times we used to smile and live life now what the fuck do we do with what is left of us what do we do when there’s nothing left of us who let us go who will hold us close through the night and through the light of the dark world.

~j.g.s.g

10/02/20


	34. "Voids"/"Liquor"

“Voids”

A void that only gets bigger over time, every second of every day it expands I forget and then I remember again and it pains me cause its not mine anymore and I cant have ahold of it again, cause I was the one who lost it it was my fault that I let go and you did things that made you how you are now it pains me to see you break down over something you can’t have any more you are the void in my heart that causes the voices the darkness the pain and the pleasure of it all when I get that burning desire not to survive anymore its that void that I and you made for each other.

~j.g.s.g

“Liquor”

Washing away the pain to survive another day your with her and I can’t compile what I feel because when I had a few bottles and a couple of pills I’m numb to the brim and nothing can harm me when I’m numb because everything feels just right to cause then we don’t have to fight or sadly does she know you still kiss me at midnight to numb yourself from your pressures and pain do you see the bright light other there like I do when the numbness takes you, overdose after overdose, do you know where we went wrong?

~j.g.s.g

08/30/18


	35. "Gun Violence"

“Gun Violence”  
Gun Violence   
Gun; a ranged weapon to discharge bullets   
Violence; force to hurt or damage something or someone   
The future falls   
One by one   
Picked off by bullets   
The weapon is our weakness   
Violence is not our strength, it’s our pain   
Kids are dying   
Parents are crying   
And the witnesses have their innocence stripped away  
We go up in a world that doesn’t show love   
We grow up in a place we are lost   
We expect happiness   
But we experience loss   
Pulling, tears falling, we all get lost   
The pain can’t be killed   
We want to keep living   
But we are afraid   
Nothing is happening   
The law isn’t changing   
We are trying   
No one is listening   
Our voices are loud   
The bullets are louder   
When is our time   
Why isn’t it our time   
What do we do when nothing is left   
We have to fight for what we have now   
We are marching   
We are trying to overcome the pain   
To watch a new era come and reign   
To see a day where they will be safe   
Gun Violence   
~j.g.s.g & ~m.g.c

10/11/18


	36. "Flames are Cold", "Burning Flowers", & "Memoirs"

"Flames are Cold”

You trust with flames

You send cold messages

Race is a color

You say it’s discrimination

You have pigment to you

So do we

We are forced under the same roof

To be trusted and taught lies

Witnessing moments

Fighting pain

Hiding when they attack

Showing when you want to be the hero

Conflicts you hide

We know the truth that you desire

You burn with messages -

You trust with ice

“Burning Flowers”

A simple flower he picks

He sends it to his love for praise

She praises as your stuck in a daze hidden from the outside

Alone in an envelope where they numb the pain that will subside

A poppy flower you are

Ground-up your seeds into poison

Poison for him and her closed in a barrel

A sweet flower he calls you

A burnt twig she pushes you

A broken light that you become

Then let you see the outside again

But they show you as a disgrace

You assume you’re a gigantic mistake

You are picked away from the one who wanted to be saved

“Memoirs” (Human Relations)

“Day 1 out of who knows,”

Your diary is written with hope and dismay

You hate yourself because you don’t have any close

“Why do you keep me if all I’m on is nicotine”

Take me through your memories of your childhood

“Trust no one once you find out truths of the lies”

Trust you mind when you know your own weaknesses and lies

Hidden behind lies of your imagination

“Suck it up You’ll live through the pain”

You hold in your pain

You’ve suffered through heaven and back

“Heaven is the best hell you could ever find because hell is what we are and living in”

No one has to know your reason just your weakness

“My weakness is being loved”

Your weakness is something out of your power

“No one needs to understand my memoirs of heaven”

You let me into your memoirs of heaven

“You let me into my memoirs of hell”

~J.G.S.G (contest)

11/13/18


	37. "12:51:48", "9:09", & "Maybe for Worse"

“12:51:48”

something unknown to man something that won’t exist again something I hate something I love something I don’t need something I want more than anything else something more than you can imagine nothing I can see, but I want something that’s is really meant to be something that isn’t important anymore my head is throbbing as you scream you don’t understand my pain music blaring into my ears something I don’t want to know about free verse think, think about it he’s losing control letting it go seeing if the world will still rotate and after it’s gone a page filled with black splotches of nothingness meaning nothing, nothing, thinking waiting dreaming waiting fever feeding my medication something that might save me writing random shit that won’t mean anything.

~j.g.s.g

“9:09”

People who love are the ones who just feel lost maybe I can’t get close to you because I’m always numb to where I can’t hear my soul is too broken to trust play the Lord give them a soul to praise numb till I only see shadows of fate things we both hate what will happen when my life is already gone enough to the point you cant feel no pain left in my heart left to realize I want to love I can’t obtain look for something we’ve lost nothing in us can prove you’re right anymore.

~j.g.s.g

“Maybe for Worse”  
Maybe a problem, maybe a blessing upon which I have failed to understand my main calling my end despair my hurt, calling my broken wisdom. my pain is your pleasure as much as it is mine I’m hurt and so are you we are broke and have nothing left for us to do. so we hate with a burning passion we let go to bliss the fallen memories. we are fragments of glass getting smaller and smaller sharper and sharper each time we break. power surrounds you and dissipates around me you’re a god in a fantastic real form. I fight with my words and writing you fight with your fist and expect to be perfectly fine in the end. you’re weak on the inside strong on the out crying in pain without a doubt when no one is around. you come to me at your most vulnerable under my touch and wisdom you say I am your all-time high but I know I’m just a placeholder for someone better. I wish all my weaknesses could be hidden, I mold into a pretty lie for you a beautiful doll you know you will throw away when you’re over and through I wish I could smile trapped in your hell lost in the garden of forget-me-nots you created trapped in a sandcastle caving in because you broke down its walls taking my mask off to see you clearly but once I love you, leave me again. trust no one because you break too easily in someone's grasp. a slave to someone’s demise don’t smile at me, lie to me. I can’t show you me, give you me. and I still want you and it hurts me more than anything, I wanted to show and give you me but you never allowed it. you let me go while I was hanging on by a loose thread and it’s just sad cause you left me for the worse.  
~j.g.s.g

12/31/18


	38. "I'm Screwed", "Invention", & "Fake Love"

“I’m Screwed”

You have no right to me any more things just don’t feel right anymore. I don’t wanna live I don’t wanna die things just don’t make me feel alive, sometimes I wonder why can’t I try. I wanna make an oath to die cause sometimes we are living just to lie. And it’s all okay if we act like its okay. We aren’t okay but it’s okay, we are all screwed up too fucked up and plain outta line there’s nothing else to say but we are living in a lie.

~j.g.s.g

“Invention”

If scientists developed a way to time travel what time would you want to travel to?

Ah, I know precisely when. At the beginning of my 7th grade year when I fucked everything up.

It all started with heartbreak and my oblivious ass to avoid all the shit coming towards me.i was jealous but I didn’t I know I was a danger to myself as I was learning to grow up I got hit with sadness but I didn’t know what it was I was a child hiding under the covers still afraid of the dark. I was a hell child a burden to all my friends a self-centered asshat as I do recall something I’ve learned to understand and respect. But it was the path I followed that started it all soon I’d realize this would be my downfall in disguise to each and every one of them all.

TBC

~j.g.s.g

“Fake Love”

We lead each other on like we do to command a dog we are manipulative and we know what’s going on. You don’t know my advances for love because I never land any. I don’t want any love right now I’m just caught up in filling in a void sadly that might lead me on to using you as a toy. I am a puppet to the demons in my mind trying to obtain something I might never find. Call me whatever you please cause I bet you’ll be successful pointing out all of the flaws in me. We use fake love to get the feeling of fullness in the void sadly it doesn’t last long because none of it is real.

~j.g.s.g

01/07/19


	39. "Leaving", "Burning", & "Let Go"

“Leaving”

Beaten and raped, broken, and blundered. Speaking words that have never been spoked. I sometimes can’t hold myself up if all of the people I really fucking love keep leaving me. You once promise something then those promises transfer to another person or thing when you leave me behind, away from things that mean something but now that I know that promises are meant to be broken and left unused sadly I understand why I was left behind all of my life.

~j.g.s.g

“Burning”

Your words burn more than your eyes in 50 different shades as your eyes burn brighter than a million different flames your promises are worth more than all the money in the world. You say you can’t hold on to what is broken. Broken and taken, taken far away, all the way to where we used to lay in the darkness under the stars whispering our sins because we are far away from staying the same. Your teardrops fall but they aren’t for me, you mourn in the light cause the sun is too dark for me. And you walk cause you know I’m slow on my feet. Yet, I’m still recovering from the way that you left me. Baby you’re burning to a million pieces, burning down, down to the ground but so am I watch us both blow away like we were the ashes made from the flame.

~j.g.s.g

“Let Go”

Too close in front of me, too close to hold. Too close in front of me, I don’t want to let you go. Run, run away from this path I have made. Run, run away to the safe place where you hide from my insanities. I don’t know why you chose to stay please stay away. I wanna stray, wanna stray away from you just let me find a way. Let go of me and I’ll learn to love myself. Let go of me and I’ll learn to leave you again. Let go of me and I’ll learn to be free. Let go of me and I’ll learn to let you go.

~j.g.s.g

01/21/19


	40. "Overdose", "Lingering", &"Wings"

“Overdose”

“I promise” then she looks over her shoulder as he lets go, there a pill bottle, 27 different killing machines in that one small bottle. Powerful that’s what it is painful that’s how it feels ripping once it starts, numb once it settles, dead that what she became. Promises broke her so she decided to break those promises back. She left saying, “sucks to suck overdosage is my middle name, it fits well with your broken promises. ha, a very nice ring to it. See you in hell.”

~j.g.s.g

“Lingering”

In a dim-lit hallway, another story is about to take place, and its a sad broken mistake. Something you treasure nearly taken away. The effects always stay. And once you think you’re okay you aren’t because you are too young to say anything and it haunts you away. You thought it was okay out of love at the time but once you grow up you understand it wasn’t the pleasure of yours nor of mine. The pain you still feel will never be healed you’re traumatized until its time you won’t know why this was the demise you’re hoping in your wishes he soon lays to die.

~j.g.s.g.

“Wings”

Born to live, live to die you were never meant to fly but you still try. You were a child thinking about the good days when you didn’t want to die. You thought you could have wings a leat all your worries go before you become too high off of dopamine. You’re older now but all the flying makes you want to die, you want to die from the hight you never want to spread your wings to fly. You let go you let the past linger and burn you let it all burn on your wings, you show scars cause your a hero you are a veteran of learning how to fly and your wings are there to show you that you tried.

~j.g.s.g

01/21/19


	41. "Creation", "Finalized", & "Left"

“Creation”

Things you think your mind only creates when in reality you create them yourself sadly. You are a creation of yourself it’s never the genetics you’re born with they might be helpful traits to develop you. Maybe you are a monster like me from both sides in and out your head ruin your actions something you aren’t and you can’t stop it. You have no control cause you lose it and you can’t let go when you hurt yourself more than you think self-damage to the whole image you created. A facade you created to hide your true little monster in your fucked up mind a nest of things that make you strange and unwanted you hurt because you know the truth. You tell the truth too often and it’s turning unhealthy as your becoming a problem to yourself and the people who you love and who used to love you.

~j.g.s.g

“Finalized”

I’m getting nauseous and I’m going unconscious I’m breathing heavily and trying to get my head on straight. Slowly losing my head and my mind making up walls of a facade to cover up my eyes and make everything seem alright when nothing is going to change to be fucking right. Now it kinda takes a little more to stay awake and it pushes me to feel more dead inside I need a little more and nothing will ever be finalized if I keep moving like this with these intentions of my bloodline and the drugs making its way into my bloodstream ruining me for a lifetime.

~j.g.s.g

“Left”

My heart is heavy and I feel unnecessary to the world trying to understand why I keep getting left behind like a speck of dust. Unbothered left to smother things in my reach. Left to suffocate in my grief that was left for me. Everything was left to me but they aren’t left for me when I needed them most they are gone. I hope you are never forgotten even when everything you own is gone.

~j.g.s.g

01/31/19


	42. "Lust", "Anxiety Attack", & "A Little Messed Up"

“Lust”

All that’s left is lust in our system no more common sense left to let us understand all we worry about is our sex that won’t mean shit in future because it doesn’t really fucking matter now it’s just a feeling that has no explanation we are in a simulation run by no one that data we collect is pointless if we all die in the end none of it matter. illnesses are just our self-suicide we can’t stop or determine we are just dolls dressed up and played with for pointless reasons. Lust controls our love so what is love when all it’s based on lust.

~j.g.s.g

“Anxiety Attack”

I’m terrified my chest it’s burning, I feel like ima target I’m mortified living hell but more say it’s still not normal for me yet my chest burns with agony anxiety and pain all I wanted was to be a normal kid

I’m sensitive because of him, death makes me feel incompetent. I am fear but I fear that I will become an object to be taken for granted. I’m terrified of my abilities and what I’m capable of I don’t want my abilities to control my love lust be it seems like they are attacking more than usual. I’m not used to it, I want someone new but just identical to him and everything but at least I won’t spend a lot of time-wasting my life away I want us to start a whole new ball game in a new place where no one knows what we are capable of.

~j.g.s.g

“A Little Messed Up”

I just don’t know I’m a little messed up I want to be needed imma mess but maybe you know I say sorry way too much good at overthinking goddamn part you're making it so fuckin hard to let go I always go back to you and it gets me a little fucked up I know I’m a little bit more than fucked up I don’t want to do this anymore I want these things I can’t obtain it makes me turn into a monster I want a material thing and an abstract idea, it makes me feel psychotic and I can’t explain that pain I need for my mind I need to feel numb I need nothing on my mind I need a break from my own mind or maybe, I need a break from my own life or maybe just from you.

~j.g.s.g

03/04/19


	43. "His-Story"

“His-Story”

‘Mulatto’ that’s what I am that’s my wingspan, my brand, my name branded on the back of my hand. I’m the creation of a slave and a master, what’s the point in thinking about it if we try to move on faster this is me taking a stand for a factor of where I can celebrate what I am and feel blacker. Born in the neighborhood of white privilege where no one questioned my color because I was just younger but it defeated the purpose that I knew I had some words to unfold we still have stories untold left to behold. when the white privilege just keeps me hidden on a scroll, a document where I am classified as white where no god can determine what is right for that sake of our f-ing civil rights. Rights we were promised then lied the only things we have been doing that we regret were hide. Pride, we try to take pride, and when we do people try to shut us up again and then push us to the side. Why, why do we live in a world chosen by the minds of ignorant people living lies by talking their mouths where the sun don’t shine talk about having pride when you hate your country, pride when you hate your life, pride when you can’t decide what’s wrong or right so you try, you only live on one side never experience both sides because you hide, you hide and take pride that you hide nothing but your love and you strip that way from people that’s why you're living a lie. Then I think it’s funny how they judge me not knowing about my pain or where I’ve been, yea I have my demons and I have my share of secrets but what’s the good in you voicing yours out instead of keeping them. You know my name but not my full story because legends never die, I just want to be remembered so they can kill me, but that’ll only mean I’ll live forever. As I grew up I was taught to be ashamed to be black I knew it was wrong as I felt the whip being cracked on my back. I was told to be ashamed to be white they told me that doing everything wrong way gonna make things right but I saw the flashbacks where the power of my words wasn’t the only thing that was outta whack. I was set back I knew I had to dignify what I am to the people who only judge me because of my skin. Can’t people see at the end of the night we all say amen to a man that holds us all under a lynch?

~j.g.s.g

03/04/19


	44. 11 Haikus-"NEVER SEEN"

1 “NEVER, ” they say to

us, and calmly we say “we

can prove you wrong, sweets.”

2 Happiness they have

But no stars never shine

Until it’s night time.

3 Dreamers dream, wishers

wish to be hidden and not

promised anything.

4 We were never seen

covering our eyes to hide

what we’ve come to be.

5 Gone, hidden away

Never failed society

Poor thing, they can’t see.

6 Mirrors reflecting

An optical illusion

In a plastic piece

7 Nightmares to be seen

Movie screens bring out the screams,

It’s a murder scene.

8 Stains on the cover

Chained to the bed blindfolded

What monster she is

9 Darkness, never seen.

The psychopath, never seen.

Then, me? Never seen.

10 Disdain memories

Fractured shattered empathy

Puppet, that is me.

11 A dark hole promised

Me that my insanity

Will never be seen.

~j.g.s.j

05/20/19


	45. Sestina- "12 gauge medicine"

i. A heart monitor beeped in my ears the sanitizer smell burned my nostrils when I entered. (a)

Bandages everywhere on his body, it was so pitiful. (b)

He’s in pain but he says he’ll be strong when he gets home. (c)

It was June, he was ill his body started making its own alcohol the crystals in him were going to

his brain, he was sober for a year. (d)

His hands were bigger than mine and felt good to hold, the medicine restricted me from doing

that I just wanted to hold. (e)

He just wanted love but mine wasn’t enough. (f)

ii. He yelled at the nurse he was in so much pain, enough.

He ripped a stitch and they did a surgery that wasn’t necessary, I didn’t know, the first time

I entered.

I saw him and he smiled, just wanted to run to him and just hold.

I tried not to try it was hard and kind of funny we both looked pitiful.

We were scared my parents didn’t think he could last another year.

I never wanted to leave because he was part of my home.

iii. Life went by and medicine got stronger it was August, and he was finally coming home.

This was all I asked for this was just for me it was enough.

Our heads filled with the scenarios he’s gonna make it he’s going to be okay he will live another

year.

Then after it, it was just all routine except for the medicine, we had to do it while he wasn’t paying attention, 12 gauge needles hurt when they get entered.

I would always help with the medicine every time the needle went in and the medicine was gone

his face read I’m sorry I felt pitiful.

I had nothing to be happy at that moment my life was just on hold.

iiii.He never liked the hospital, he always felt insane the doctors weren’t enough to keep a hold.

Sirens were screaming inside my head I told myself he’s alright and is gonna still be at home.

I was pale and horrified all day and no one but I knew, I was the epitome of pitiful.

I hoped and wished and saw him get better everything was worth it, my love was enough.

I planned with him till he fell asleep from fatigue a new ball game we were playing, life, and we

just entered.

I was ready for the more experiences we could have in the next year.

iiiii.he was so healthy I thought he could not be in pay for the next year.

I finally got ahold of myself and him I got to have my favorite hand to hold.

The house was so happy, he called his hospital buddy, the trouble makers at heart even before

you first entered.

At last, it felt like our actual home.

Our family was enough.

We weren’t pitiful.

iiiiii.9: 25 PM everything crashed down in a matter of minutes, you were so calm and peaceful

you didn’t know what was going on it was heartbreaking, pitiful.

I was horrified the sirens came back it was the first time I prayed I didn’t know if either of us were

going to have the next year.

I gave up on the thought that love and happiness was and could be enough.

10:47 PM September 14th you were announced dead to the family, then I knew I had no grandpa

or anyone like you to hold.

I knew then I could possibly never feel home.

I didn’t accept it at that time until the funeral in Kentucky, I saw your face and I couldn’t I knew

you left us and a better place, you entered.

Ev. You’ve entered and I hope it’s enough.

I’ll miss your hand to hold and calling you home

I won’t let myself go to waste this year, I won’t let you go and be pitiful.

~j.g.s.g

05/20/19


	46. "Waiting cont."

“Waiting, cont.”  
I’m waiting for time to pass me then let me go like you did  
I'm glad you left   
But it leaves a damn big hole in my fucking heart  
You can leave and break a heart   
You can do whatever the fuck you want  
Now I’ve realized   
This whole time   
You were the monster inside of me that made the world crumble  
I'm not waiting for time anymore  
~j.g.s.g


	47. "Daddy cont."

“Daddy, cont.”  
I know where you are now  
Its been 13 years, not a word but felonies left and right, I’m sorry I can’t be proud of you  
I understand why you left but you could have stayed but it’s okay  
I understand why you used to help others and not yourself because now I do the same   
I don't know the best for me but you did what was best for you  
I still don't know what I’m supposed to do and I am still fatherless too   
I'm not tired of it anymore  
I know why you didn’t get better  
I grew through the tough things without you   
I still miss you but I’m slowly forgetting you day by day  
It’s still in my blood but this time I’m not fucking sorry  
I'm still mad and I don't know if I’ll ever send these   
Sadly I found out you’re not in Atlanta, you’re still as close as ever and your mom died too  
I take after you healing people before you heal yourself  
I'm still writing for my life but a little more broken than before  
Your son is still shy and insecure I had to help raise him   
Yeah, I grew up too fast but what was I supposed to do?  
I still hurt myself trying to grow   
I try to fill in the void but it never is fulfilled even after I wish   
I didn’t ask for too much or rant too much  
I just wanted a dad that I could rely on and have for my life  
I still write to try to fill the void   
I still am developing my backbone and confidence  
I don't want you back  
I don't need a dad  
I don't need to make uptime  
The void can stay  
I can learn to be happy  
I miss you but I don't need you.  
I just need closure, I love you but you ruined your chance  
cause dad I’m sorry, but I don't know you.  
~j.g.s.g


	48. "Let Me Know" response.

“Let Me Know” Response.  
I'm okay  
You know everything already  
I don't need you  
You know that  
The wind blew  
I am happy  
I am smiling  
The time was wasted  
I don't need you   
I don’t want you   
Seems like you still care though  
You left though  
I know I’m the best I don't need to be reminded   
You don't need me   
You don't want me   
You can live without me cause you are  
I don't love you anymore  
-j.g.s.g


	49. "Forced Love"

“Forced Love”  
I just wanted to be happy  
Not to feel like shit   
Everything thing was too much  
It felt so intense  
I hated it   
But I was pleasing the people who thought it would work  
My conscious   
Forced me to believe what I heard   
I didn’t want what they gave me  
I just wanted to be happy   
I never felt safe in the arms   
Of someone where I couldn’t even speak  
I wasn’t happy  
Forced love was never for me  
~j.g.s.g


	50. "Feels"

“Feels”  
I don’t miss him  
I miss the way he made me feel inside  
Even if he made me feel so shitty about myself it was bound to happen  
A karmic relationship in the most perfect filter in front of people and each other  
True colors were shown  
Words were thrown  
Breaking was a process but recovery felt even worse  
Breathing gets harder addictions get stronger  
My fear gets stronger  
I’m horrified but not  
I’m ready I can take it but I don’t know if it’ll feel the same  
I miss those feelings  
The good ones not where I felt used  
With my small mind love was an illusion  
And it still feels as if it is  
Impossible I see and believe it now.  
~j.g.s.g


	51. "Rules of a White Household"

“Rules of a white household”  
Don’t question  
Don’t ask why you don’t know your past  
It wasn’t supposed to be yours in reality  
Don’t question why you aren’t allowed to look at the cross in the hall  
Only Christians can or else it’s impure  
Don’t question why the attic is locked but once it’s open all there is are white sheets  
A mask can only be hidden so well  
Don’t question why in the midst of the night they watch you in the dark wearing nothing but white  
They’re afraid of you  
Don’t question why the cross is upside down in your bed  
It’s for the blind feel the energy  
Don’t question why your brother is normal  
You are not  
Don’t question why you had to go to therapy  
And why you don’t remember anything from it  
Don’t question why there are ashes in your backyard  
The burning flesh is enough to know  
Don’t ask them to love you  
When you know they won’t  
These are the rules of a white household just stay alive  
~j.g.s.g


	52. "B.O.T"

“B.O.T”  
They call us thugs grandmama...  
us?  
No grandmama, me, and my brother and my skin color grandmama. I never thought I was gonna be considered a thug for something I can’t change.  
They call us thugs, we don’t act like that  
They plant bad omens, and we fall into the trap  
We bleed the same blood I know we do, but all that matters to them is the color of my skin and to them, that color won’t do  
~j.g.s.g


	53. "I Grew Up"

“I Grew Up”  
I grew up unwanted by the black and the white  
Unwanted on both sides  
Unwanted by society  
Unwanted by the earth  
And also unwanted by my mind  
My body  
My brain  
my mouth  
my eyes  
Unwanted by me  
An unwanted child in an unwanted sea of people who were just like me  
but silent taking the pain because that’s just us that’s just we  
The silence was spread through and through as I walked across the room because I was different  
‘Exotic’ they whispered like I didn’t listen  
Confused written on their faces because I looked different  
My hair they wanted to touch because it was unnatural  
The pain I felt when I was told by my whites that I could never be like them  
And my blacks where was told I wouldn’t fit in that I acted too proper considering my skin  
You cannot decide what I can and cannot do with me cause you have no clue what I go through in the society where I’m still chained up while others understand what it is to be free  
My family, they look at me with pity, a fatherless child with devils blood they see  
People stare too long as it is unnecessary  
I feel the same pain and I feel the same fear when I pulled over to the side or if someone tells me to stop doing what I believe is right for me  
For me, I am a person of my own I am a child of a broken home I am a teenager of the lost sea I am an adult trying to make it out alive in this ruthless reality  
I know my pain  
I grew up unwanted  
I grew up unwanted by you and by me.  
~j.g.s.g


	54. “Blissful Ignorance”

“Blissful Ignorance”  
Am I just falling into my intentions of something that isn’t real yet  
Maybe, is there a possibility I will find where I need to be  
My true colors are showing cause they're too hard to hide  
The bliss in the pain I feel when I recover from letting more pain come inside  
You are wrong and I am right  
The ignorance seeps through as I tell you that you have to live your life  
You try to help me and make me reveal the bad  
Nothing you can say will make me crack  
Only listening to oneself is a deep struggle  
The one's self having to teach you how to live is slowly killing them  
With needles as sharp as knives they carve away their life  
With knives as sharp as dimes they waste all their time  
With dimes as priceless as time, they lose their life  
They say ignorance is bliss  
They always point out their mistakes in you.  
~j.g.s.g


	55. “I Speak From My Soul”

“I Speak From My Soul”  
I speak from my soul  
and my soul is what I speak  
Not anymore that someone can silence me  
Yes I am black and yes I am white I am both but there’s always a constant fight  
How should I act what should I say, different people different characters  
Different personas brought out of me  
Cause, in reality, there is not one me  
I grew up with my white family I’ve only known some of the black sides before my dad got so fed up he left us all  
Now that sounds typical but that doesn’t define us  
I grew up well but I always was told to act more white be more like your friends  
Well I’m sorry my young mind didn’t know I had to act like a color I was only half of  
My friends now ask me about my racial point of view and I can’t respond because I see both sides though both are bad I’m forced I can’t take a liking towards one or else I’m more of this color than the other  
I am not ideal  
People treat me like I’m exotic  
I am not exotic  
People treat me like I’m not a human being  
I am a human being I have feelings  
People treat me as if I don’t understand cause I only know one life  
I do understand cause every time I look at myself in the mirror I see two lives that I can’t live in  
I’m forced in a stereotype where even choosing my race on a survey it asks me which one am I more and I crumble at the thought of being forced into a category I’m not  
I’m not white  
I’m not black  
I’m biracial  
I’m both  
I’m sorry I can’t act like a color  
I’m sorry I can’t respond how you want me to  
I’m sorry I don’t know who I am  
I’m sorry I was made this way  
I’m sorry but this is what I speak  
I speak from my soul  
and my soul is what I speak  
Not anymore that someone can silence me  
~j.g.s.g


End file.
